The Story:
Despite my partner’s concerns on how she would take to motherhood, a
few weeks in and she was thriving in the role. It was a delight to witness, it
was as if she found a new colour to wear that brought out her eyes. Every time
she held our child I pictured her being clad in all white, an ethereal glow
emanating from her body and harp music playing. The love I felt for her grew in
an entirely new dimension and our connection was tightening every day. The
angelic façade drops rather rapidly, however, every time our child craps
herself straight onto the change table. My angel shrieks and runs away from her
daughter whilst sobbing the word “Tag!”… I understand her reaction completely.
Changing a dirty nappy is one thing, but it seems to be our daughter’s
preference to poop after her dirty nappy has been taken off and before the
fresh nappy is put on. She bides her time, waiting until she feels the cool air
on her bare bottom then fires her excrement bullets without mercy. It is
disconcerting watching our adorable wide eyed daughter stare right into my eyes
whilst poop that is yellow, green, brown and black get rather violently shoved
from her body onto whatever poor clothes would be her victim. As I stare at the
carnage she has wrought a new horror emerges – the stench. It fills up every
crevice of my skull, almost solidifying in the back of my mouth. I grit my teeth, hold my breath and get to
work. Once I’m done, I’ll track down my angel, stroke her hair, and tell her
everything is gonna be alright.
The Lesson
If you are the father of a newborn and you are not in direct contact
with excrement almost every second day, you’re an arsehole. It’s happening
regardless of whether you are comfortable with it or no. On one hand it is a
great gift to your partner to say “That’s okay, sit down sweetheart, I’ve got
this one”. On the other hand one of the worst things you can do is refuse to
help and confine your partner to the role of ‘poop handler’. This is especially
true if your partner is at all squeamish about poop. So, if you’ve agreed to be
the one with the clothes peg on your nose, here are a few things you should
know:
- Be very aware of where the baby is facing. Babies can projectile poop. I am not kidding. Projectile. Poop. I’ve seen projectile poop up to two metres. I am still not kidding. If you store your nappies in a drawer next to the change table and you need to bend down in front of your child’s bottom to retrieve the nappies, make sure you’re wearing some kind of hazmat suit.
- If you open up your child’s diaper and it’s full of crap, don’t take it off yet. She’s probably not done yet. Look at her face and see what kind of expression she has. Is she clenching her fists? Often a baby will have a big poop, fill the diaper, and wait until that poop is removed before continuing her merry crapping. Wipe a bit of poop off her bottom, and hold the front of the diaper up like a shield. If you can pin both of her feet together and lift her up off the change table a little that’s perfection.
- If you suspect your baby has had a mega crap, run the bath before you change her.
- You know how dogs sometimes stare at their owners while they are pooping and that’s weird enough? Well, occasionally babies will stare deeply into your eyes, wishing for reassurance as they shove foul smelling excrement into flimsy bits of fabric covering up their bits. It’s weird, confronting, and a little bit sweet.
- If you’ve waited until your baby has done all her pooping, has unclenched her fists and seems happy, don’t celebrate yet. Often our baby will do a big wee after her poop, creating a poop juice that soaks her entire body. “Dammit!” comes the shout from my partner, followed by her lifting the lowers part of our babies body to try and get her body out of the dirty wee, which of course causes the change table to press down at our babies back, ensuring she becomes completely soaked. No removing the diaper until she is completely done!
- Stock your change table and nappy bag with way too many nappies and nappy bags
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