Pre-baby Body

I came home from work one day to find my partner in our bedroom with piles of clothes strewn across the floor. As I walked into the room I was nearly decapitated by a flying black and white polka dot cardigan. I peered into the walk in robe and saw my partner furiously sorting through her clothes.

“What are you doing sweetheart?” I asked nervously.

“I’m throwing out anything I can’t fit into anymore.” My partner replied in a tone which suggested ‘question my methods at your own peril’. I decided on a different approach.

“Uh, are you sure you want to do that?” I asked her in what I hoped was a delicate manner.

“Yes” she replied, so curtly that I should have realised the mess I had waded into.

“But what are you going to wear when you return to your normal weight?” I asked. She didn’t reply and instead refocused on what she was doing.

Looking back on it now my partner would have been well within her rights to pick up a shoe and lob it at my head but all I had to contend with was pair of black knickers flying past me. At the time I figured I should shut up and let her be. If she was that determined then there was no changing her mind anyway. I hadn’t realised the hurt I had caused her until later that day when my partner spoke up during dinner.

“You’re assuming I’ll be able to return to the weight I was and that might not even be possible”

For a moment I simply looked at her confused, wondering what was she was talking about until I heard myself saying the words ‘your normal weight’. At that moment I hated myself. I had a sudden flash of images – my partner trying to fit into her favourite jumper and crying when it was too tight, the slightly bitter look in her face when she was showing me photos of the holiday she took when she was in her early twenties and super skinny, her looking for wedding dresses online and complaining that all of them would be unflattering on her, her crying when she first got stretch marks, and finally, the hurt expression she had on her face when I talked about her ‘normal weight’.

She had put her body through incredible stress and transformation to provide us both with a child. Her body, her thighs that she had an emotional tumultuous relationship with, her flat stomach she rarely admitted was flat and smooth. Her body that caused her aches, cramps, bloating and discomfort. Her body that, despite all the energy used to deny it, she couldn't help but compare to friends, co workers and celebrities.To provide us both with our beautiful daughter she had put her body through hell and yet I saw it fit to inform her I was expecting her body to bounce back to exactly as it was before the pregnancy.

I held her tight and apologised profusely. I reassured her that I loved her and that she was and is the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on and all I wanted was for her to be healthy and happy, in whatever form that takes.

Forget weight, forget clothes, forget appearance. Health and happiness is the way forward. Health and happiness

A baby’s favourite time to pee or poop is after you’ve taken a nappy off

The Story:

Despite my partner’s concerns on how she would take to motherhood, a few weeks in and she was thriving in the role. It was a delight to witness, it was as if she found a new colour to wear that brought out her eyes. Every time she held our child I pictured her being clad in all white, an ethereal glow emanating from her body and harp music playing. The love I felt for her grew in an entirely new dimension and our connection was tightening every day. The angelic façade drops rather rapidly, however, every time our child craps herself straight onto the change table. My angel shrieks and runs away from her daughter whilst sobbing the word “Tag!”… I understand her reaction completely. Changing a dirty nappy is one thing, but it seems to be our daughter’s preference to poop after her dirty nappy has been taken off and before the fresh nappy is put on. She bides her time, waiting until she feels the cool air on her bare bottom then fires her excrement bullets without mercy. It is disconcerting watching our adorable wide eyed daughter stare right into my eyes whilst poop that is yellow, green, brown and black get rather violently shoved from her body onto whatever poor clothes would be her victim. As I stare at the carnage she has wrought a new horror emerges – the stench. It fills up every crevice of my skull, almost solidifying in the back of my mouth.  I grit my teeth, hold my breath and get to work. Once I’m done, I’ll track down my angel, stroke her hair, and tell her everything is gonna be alright.

The Lesson

If you are the father of a newborn and you are not in direct contact with excrement almost every second day, you’re an arsehole. It’s happening regardless of whether you are comfortable with it or no. On one hand it is a great gift to your partner to say “That’s okay, sit down sweetheart, I’ve got this one”. On the other hand one of the worst things you can do is refuse to help and confine your partner to the role of ‘poop handler’. This is especially true if your partner is at all squeamish about poop. So, if you’ve agreed to be the one with the clothes peg on your nose, here are a few things you should know:

•          Be very aware of where the baby is facing. Babies can projectile poop. I am not kidding. Projectile. Poop. I’ve seen projectile poop up to two metres. I am still not kidding. If you store your nappies in a drawer next to the change table and you need to bend down in front of your child’s bottom to retrieve the nappies, make sure you’re wearing some kind of hazmat suit.
•           If you open up your child’s diaper and it’s full of crap, don’t take it off yet. She’s probably not done yet. Look at her face and see what kind of expression she has. Is she clenching her fists? Often a baby will have a big poop, fill the diaper, and wait until that poop is removed before continuing her merry crapping.  Wipe a bit of poop off her bottom, and hold the front of the diaper up like a shield. If you can pin both of her feet together and lift her up off the change table a little that’s perfection.
•           If you suspect your baby has had a mega crap, run the bath before you change her.
•           You know how dogs sometimes stare at their owners while they are pooping and that’s weird enough? Well, occasionally babies will stare deeply into your eyes, wishing for reassurance as they shove foul smelling excrement into flimsy bits of fabric covering up their bits. It’s weird, confronting, and a little bit sweet.
•           If you’ve waited until your baby has done all her pooping, has unclenched her fists and seems happy, don’t celebrate yet. Often our baby will do a big wee after her poop, creating a poop juice that soaks her entire body. “Dammit!” comes the shout from my partner, followed by her lifting the lowers part of our babies body to try and get her body out of the dirty wee, which of course causes the change table to press down at our babies back, ensuring she becomes completely soaked. No removing the diaper until she is completely done!
•           Stock your change table and nappy bag with way too many nappies and nappy bags