Society wants you to be an overworked, distant father and her an overstressed mum. It keeps you in your place

The male species feels under threat. You can see it in the anti-feminist backlash. You can see it in casual sexism at the workplace. You can see it in the election of Donald Trump. Many men are seeing their traditional place in society (unquestioned power and authority) being challenged. It’s why female ambition is suspicious, why childless women are objects of confusion and pity and inflexible gender roles are excused and even promoted through television, movies, jokes, memes, conversation and even government legislation and business practises. They all exist, whether the perpetrator realises it, to humiliated, bully and coerce men and women into their ‘rightful roles’ where men are at work and have the power, and women are at home and have the babies.

Societal pressure comes in many surprising forms, even compliments. It can feel warm and uplifting to be put in your place, with the right phrasing. I first felt the societal pressure from a real estate agent of all people. My partner was looking for an agent to sell her house and was meeting agents (the fact it was her house and not ours was lost on the chauvinistic agent but that’s another story). This was 3 weeks after our baby was born so she came along for the ride too and was lying in her transportable bassinet when the first agent arrived. He, of course, was very polite, charming and made sure to compliment our child. During the meeting she began to cry and realising she needed a change and then a feed I picked her up, not wanting to distract my partner from her important meeting. As soon as I placed her on the changing mat and took off her diaper the agent boomed out “Wow, what an involved father you are!” I beamed, happy for the compliment (I’m a bit of a compliment glutton) and thought nothing more of it until a few days later when we took out child to a professional baby photoshoot. The same situation occurred and again I heard the same compliment. This made me realise that something larger was at play. Why was it so incredible to see a man change his daughter’s nappy? Wasn’t that just what fathers do?

These people, I’m sure, simply meant to compliment me on my parenting but without realising it they were feeding into a larger narrative. If a man is changing diapers, feeding their child and soothing and reassuring them without the mother’s involvement that’s fine, but it needs to be identified as an outlier, as outside of the norm. This is because if men were to do this regularly, if men were to realise they could be primary caregivers, then how long until more men realised they could be stay at home parents? Consequently, how long would it be until more women realised they could, without any feelings of guilt, properly pursue their careers, gain power on their own terms? Society can’t abide by this, therefore the societal manipulations kicks in.

One day in the process of writing this book my partner loudly scoffed after reading something on her phone and showed it to me. It was a meme that had a smiling 50’s cartoon mum (completed with apron, skirt and heels) next to the words “In our marriage, everything is 50/50 – I cook: he eats, I wash: he wears, he sleeps: I’m up all night with the baby”. In essence, it’s a wife’s job to do all the housework, all the cooking and cleaning and child rearing and while it may be infuriating that the husband will do next to nothing but their job, it’s also a wife’s job to grimace and bear it. I know this was intended as a harmless joke that gently spoofs traditional gender roles but is a joke harmless if it excuses and even reinforces unequal relationships? The joke originated from the website healthymummy.com, though with the mental and physical exhaustion that comes from following this joke’s ethos I think ‘healthy mummy’ is an inappropriate title.

My partner and I find pure joy every day in being with, taking care of, playing with and raising our daughter. We also find an obscene amount of joy in singing along to Beatles records in different accents. The point is, both of these things are not for everyone. By insisting that having children is for every woman, people are also insisting women fulfil their gender roles. Most people are supportive of women in their mid 20s who do not have children on the way and don’t see them in their lives ever. By late 20s some people start to suggest these women need to change their outlook soon. Doom and gloom begins to creep into conversations with childless women in their early 30s. A happily married, childless woman in her mid 30s could inspire panic in greater society, followed of course with the despondency childless woman in their late 30s and early 40s may face. Nevermind how happy the lady may be. A happy, healthy 40 year olf woman who is at the top of their game professionally, kis in a wonderful relationship with the love of their life, who views life as one giant adventure is still an object of pity. Jennifer Aniston is one of the highest earners in her field and by all accounts is happy, healthy and in a fulfilling marriage but is still viewed with sympathy. If she had had been broke, struggling single actress but had two boys society would understand her much easier.

In the first couple of months at pregnancy my partner and I looked into parental leave through both out respective employers. My partner was nervous about being the caregiver of an infant and I was excited by the prospect. My partner liked to remain busy, constantly moving and improving especially at work and I preferred my downtime and was not particularly ambitious or driven at work. It made sense for me to be the stay at home parent initially. Unfortunately, due to antiquated paternity leave at both of our places of works the only financially viable option was for my partner, the woman, the mother to stay at home and I, the man, the father to return to work. Society had stepped in, and was attempting to redirect us to our expected roles in our marriage. Of course we rail against that idea; I cook most evenings, we share chores, we interact with and take equal responsibility with our child but the having to fight for it is wrong. Couples arrive at parenthood with society constantly telling us to behaved in an archaic manner that fosters tension, frustration and exhaustion if not addressed. Men need to recognise everything that is standing in the way of them being good fathers, mentally engage and banish them.